hello, hello

gee, it's been over a month. thank you to those who checked in, or who emailed asking where i'd gone. that meant a lot.

there seems times you turn a corner in life. whether willingly or not. i've been feeling at the end of some things both inner and outwardly for a while. and suddenly, the end is ending and i'm turning toward new things.

i'm being vague in some ways. but maybe you understand. maybe you experience it too. i think we all do if we stop and recognize the patterns. like seasons and the passages of time.

in writing -- i've been exploring different things and making progress on those works in progress, but also time and holidays demand so much more. as with many writers, what always gets cheated is the writing time. please, you writers out there, catch me up. and if you aren't a writer, catch me up too.

many reasons for this last month's disappearance. usually when i ride a roller coaster, i like to put my hands up and scream with joy. but some roller coasters just don't let you do it -- you have to hold on cause there's no trusting that you'll make it to the end. life's been a bit like for a while -- sometimes the hands are up and other times they're clinging for survival.

another part, well, i didn't want to write and be a downer to anyone with holiday spirit. so stop reading if you're really happy about christmas. but for those of you who aren't, though i've tried for a month, i'm not in the christmas spirit. i'm going shopping tomorrow, don't want to, even resent it, sorry to say. i asked myself, what kind of person doesn't like christmas? that person seems to be me this year. once i was that person who baked and decorated with great joy -- i seem to recall her in my past. christmas was once the favorite holiday, now thanksgiving and my birthday win that race (yes, my birthday actually IS a holiday -- lincoln's birthday so there!).

now, i've had great christmas "moments" during different parties, time with the kids, school productions and such. but nothing of the true "spirit." will attend midnight mass for the second year, a new something for me even though i'm not catholic. something about it was beautiful to me. all those people gathered together, the singing and oneness of spirit -- usually i'm alone in the house stuffing stockings to help out santa clause. he does need some help you know. we might read the story of christ's birth on christmas and do christian-y things during the month (okay, not so much this year). but mass was so different and inviting to me. the idea that all over the world, it's happening, at midnight in the different time zones, thousands and thousands of people gather together in expectation. maybe that's what i'm missing in my christmas spirit, the expectation, the wonder, the worship. i'm just irriated at the lines, the several gifts i forgot to buy, the cost of it all, the weariness it brings, the pressure, the lost writing time (i will again admit), and the truth that so much of it IS the gifts -- maybe too hearing about christmas around the world from my litt-world friends where it's MUCH less commercial.

anyway, i wanted to say hello, hello. and though i'm turning some corners or mixing metaphors with roller coasters, i do so wish each of you god's grace and peace this week. especially on christmas.

my love to each of you.