thoughts on pain

for no apparent reason, today i was thinking about the pain we all carry.

i pictured the faces before me from my husband, family members, and a trail of friends, and with each their pain seemed suddenly vivid -- nearly a color or image. then thoughts went to acquaintances who i've often been surprised to find what they've carried, or the many hastily resown hearts. we've no idea what each other has inside. such scars and unhealed wounds. they can't be compared to each other, each individual's experience comes in different weights. i considered my own too and wondered how we all do it. how do we get up sometimes?

later, i stopped by the traveling viet nam wall with my oldest son and daughter and my niece. yes, "stopped by" which felt rather disrespectful. my father was in viet nam when i was born, and i wished to know the names he could recognize there. we watched a man trace the name of someone he knew. i read wishing to speak each one aloud and know them for a moment. what enormity of pain in each one.

another matchbox twenty quote (oh, that rob thomas), "there's no one around who can tell us what we're here for." such could be a quest of mine, to know why we're here. i mean really. my need for christ is part of that quest, but all the old answers don't work for me (such as, "to go out and share christ." yeah, that's worked great, so all this pain has been well worth it). robert benson writes something of this in between the dreaming and the coming true. this from memory and my own thoughts too...but,

can we see or experience light without having been in the dark?
could we know joy without some sorrow?
is beauty beautiful because of the ugly to contrast?
for us to love must we also feel pain, even the pain of love?
is the loneliness required to someday feel complete?
and must we be separated from god to truly discover him or to need him or yearn for him or recognize our need and want of him?

somehow among these, i feel it connects with a required divine sacrifice for human redemption.

wonder if robert benson has a blog? i'd be stopping by if so; his books amaze me.

anyway, i'm much more philosophical silly-putty than any kind of theologian. maybe sleep will bring something more, lately sleep's been overflowing with dreams. some scary, others painful. so i'm tossing thoughts to see what returns.