pain over morning coffee

this morning i think not only of the pain we carry, but the pain we cause. this life journey creates it.

i've never intended to hurt anyone, well, i'm sure a few times though i'm presently mentally blocking them. whether from simply not returning a phone call, not reading someone's writing...not doing any number of things to the actually doing of -- hurt can happen and i'm the cause. like trying to do what's best for everyone which is most often impossible and someone gets hurt. or trying and wanting to love selflessly and yet needing love desperately too. or...well, this could go on and on.

somewhere i have lewis' "the problem with pain" though it's probably packed for the forthcoming move. and more scary and weird dreams after my late blogging. weird one was that my new writing spot was on a skinny platform (like a giant lifeguard station) perched out in the ocean. i had to swim to get there (hmmmm) and when i'd finish writing and was feeling brave, I'd jump the 60ish feet to the water (where did my laptop go after work?). i watched a black stingray, then a whale, and wondered if i was brave enough to jump that day. so, analyze that.

anyway, who wouldn't agree that it's worse to be the cause of pain than to carry it? maybe those people who can move on and not look back. i'm not one of those, which sometimes feels unfortunate.